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"Your 'reality', sir, is lies and balderdash and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever."
— Karl Friedrich Hieronymus, Freiherr von Münchhausen

Order of the Stick: Translating Haley's Cryptograms

I'm way behind on Order of the Stick, so I started catching up. And where I left off (around 100 strips ago or so), Haley was still speaking in cryptograms. And since I am somehow irrationally compelled to solve them as I go, I figured I'd share the fruits of my labor, which was a combined effort of intuition, perseverence, and some programming to help me keep track of the letter correlations.

Here's Haley's lines from strip #262:

  • You stupid lock! Open! Why won't you open?
  • Going to kill you...
  • I hate amazing-quality locks!
  • Gee, thanks, no pressure there.
  • Damn it! Open!!
  • I am totally in love with you.
Say it with me, now: "Awwww!"

Haley's lines from strip #264:

  • Wait. Listen!
  • Back in the cells! Back! BACK!!

Strip #269 has just a single word: "Arwcrxcon!" I'm having some trouble with that one.

Strip #275 was easy:

  • Huh?
What else could it be?

Strip #277 has just one line, too: "Zfq bq nzml??" I think that translates to "Are we late??" But I'm not sure; there's not enough to go on.

Strip #284 has a lot more to it, so it was easy. Here's the translation:

  • What?
  • No, wait, that verdict doesn't make sense. Laws don't work that way.
  • I've seen enough of my Thieves' Guild friends sent to prison to know that this should have been a conviction.
  • But... but it doesn't make any sense!
  • No! I'm not OK, this whole trial made NO SENSE!
  • We WERE guilty! It should have been a guilty verdict! I can understand if they wanted to reduce the sentence due to the circumstances, but it should have still been a guilty verdict.
  • Oh, never mind, I don't know why I'm bothering.
  • Wait - Elan, what did you just say?
  • Oh my gods, Elan! That's it! Elan, you're a genius!
There are two errors in this one (like there was in strip #248). I think Burlew meant "Wtzs" for "Laws" in Haley's second line, but he wrote "Qtzs" which gives you "Daws" (Q translates as D throughout the rest of the cypher). Likewise, I think in the fifth line ("B'n fxt XO") he meant to write "B'n fxv XO". As it is, the translation is "I'm noa OK".

Haley's got just one line in strip #285, but it's a good one:

  • You can't understand me, so let me just say that you're a frigid bitch and your thighs look fat in that armor.

Strip #291 has just one line, too:

  • I thought you said your dad was dead?

It was tricky, but I got it.

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Comments on Order of the Stick: Translating Haley's Cryptograms
  Comment from Anonymous Anonymous at Friday, July 14, 2006 11:56:00 AM
So, have a lot of free time on your hands?
  Comment from Blogger Red Bull at Friday, July 14, 2006 7:58:00 PM
As I said, it's a compulsion. I just had to decipher them; otherwise, I felt like I was missing something.
  Comment from Blogger Red Bull at Tuesday, July 25, 2006 4:19:00 AM
Upon further review... Haley's line in Strip #277 is more likely "Are we back??"
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I think I love u. I am not alone with my compulsions! Hahahahaha!
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