Dethklok and the True Meaning of Metal Thursday, May 15, 2008

Honestly, I think Dethklok has taught me the true meaning of Metal.

And as a life-long metal-head, that is saying something.

And if you don't know who Dethklok is, then you should find out. If you have ever rocked out to Metallica, then you owe it to yourself to find out about the band who is also the twelfth-largest economy in the world.

I have always been a fan of the driving riff. That's what it's all about. Straight-up: it's the riff that is the heart and soul of every rock song. And when you're pissed off about it, it becomes the centerpiece of your Metal wannabe-symphony. The masturbatory guitar solos. The I-can-drum-faster-than-an-amphetamine-popping-beaver drumming, the ridiculously high, ridiculously growling or ridiculously operatic vocals. Everything about Metal is going over the top.

But they mean it. They want to be the angriest, the fastest – in short – the most brutal. The most Metal. So it takes on a sinister-if-surreal seriousness.

Metalocalypse is over the top, but Dethklok is not. They're Metal. They mean it. And the guys who played on the Dethalbum get it. They bring it. Case in point: "Thunderhorse".

Is it over the top? In a way. But it's also remarkably spare. There are four total words in that song: Ride, Revenge, Thunder and Horse. And it rocks.

Case the second, read the lyrics to "Murmaider":

There are no fingerprints
Deep under water
Nothing to tie one to a crime
And if you seek vengeance
All you need are instruments of pain

You need your

Knives? Check.
Rope? Check.
Dagger? Check.
Chains? Check.
Locks? Check.
Laser Beams? Check.
Acid? Check.
Body Bag? Check.

Murmaider x 16

But beware
For when you quench your blood thirst
Others will seek their vengeance on you
And they won't rest
Until you're dead

They'll have their:

Shiv? Check.
Pipe? Check.
Hammer? Check.
Axe? Check.
Subject? Check.
Location? Check.
Desire? Check.
Vengeance? Check.

Hold your breath, swim and strain
The smell of death, can't escape
Blood will cloud and drift away
Attract the murders of Murmaids
It's so cold they all know

What you've done, you can't run
Vengeance is the law for thee
A thousand leagues below the sea
You've been tracked, you've been seen
Murdering the next of kin
Ate their hearts drank their blood

Washed your fins in blackened mud
Now you swim try to hide
Heart beats faster from inside
Thought it was a big charade
Your life was ended by Murmaids.

Murmaider x16

Swords? Check.
Saws? Check.
Clubs? Check.
Claws? Check.
Hatred? Check.
Anger? Check.
Mermaid? Check.
Murder? Check.

MURDER! MURDER! MURMAID MURDER!

Your life was ended by mermaids.

Now Listen to it. That, my friends, is Metal. Somehow the fact that acid and laser beams would never work underwater doesn't diminish its intensity. Maybe it's funny, but whoever put these songs together has an understanding that comes from a deep love for Metal.

Watch Metalocalypse. If you love Metal, then you, too will understand me when I say that I want my pain waiver.

A Saturday Rant Saturday, February 10, 2007

I just listened to the greatest song ever on Pandora. It's the greatest song ever because it has the greatest title ever. It's called Knights With Mystical Powers Battling Evil Demons (In The Presence Of Kings, Queens, Wizards & Dragons). The song is sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. This song is totally awesome and that's a fact. It's fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I love this song with all of my body (including my pee pee).

But because I heard it on Pandora, I can't specifically go back and hear it again. Oh well. I also just discovered the joys of heavy metal cello in the form of Apocalyptica. They cover Disappointica, but I can forgive them. It rocks, people. It – um – r0x0rz my s0x0rz — or something.

And just who is Disappointica? I'm glad you asked.

<rant>

I realize that my very strong opinions on this matter are probably not widely known, but I want to get it out there. Metallica was poised to be a band that transcended its genre. I firmly believe that with ... And Justice for All, Metallica achieved a sound so uniquely their own, so powerful in its beautiful dissonance that it ceased being heavy metal. It's Metallica.

Yes, their lyrics and subject matter could sound puerile because it lacked subtlety, but more often than not, Metallica was able to produce something that sounded like a hungering beast, a fiery and sometimes virtuosic expression of anger.

The black album was the transition. Let me explain why. It was two different albums: songs like "Through the Never" and "Of Wolf and Man" are great songs and sound, to me, more like songs that the Metallica who wrote Justice would have written. But "Don't Tread on Me" makes me annoyed every time I hear it. Sandman is undecided, but that's not the point. Once you get past the Black Album, what do you have? That's right. The aptly-named Load. They're now trying to sound like other bands, when everyone used to want to sound like them. They gave up on doing what made them great: telling everyone else (like the cheese factory that is mainstream music) to f*ck off.

So I dub thee Disappointica.

</rant>