Sex Advice from a D&D Player Monday, December 18, 2006

Man, Gnomie. You always manage to find the gems.

Many thanks to the small, furry one for providing a link to this blog post featuring Sex Advice from a Dungeons and Dragons Player. Some of the highlights:

My lover and I enjoy role-play, but I’ve gotten tired of the same cliché scenarios like student/teacher and boss/secretary. Any recommendations for new roles that might help spice it up?

I don’t know what system you’re playing, but "student/teacher" and "boss/secretary" do not sound like choices that would inspire one to role-playing greatness. Consider a classic like "cleric of the watcher from the depths/virgin" or "half-orc paladin/gelatinous cube." And remember, silken rope may be more expensive, but it’s nearly half the weight in encumbrance.

I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months, but he’s never referred to me as his girlfriend. How do I take it to another Level?

While the obvious answer is "“Accomplish a story task in the boyfriend track for XP equal or greater to your next level threshold," I get the feeling you might be hinting that you want to descend into the fetid labyrinth that festers beneath his ancient wizard’s tower. In that case the stairs are in quadrant M23, behind the Throne of the Kobold Hetman.

My girlfriend is older and more experienced than me. What can I do to impress her in bed?

Ah ha! Clearly you are looking for Feats, introduced in the Third Edition ruleset, which offer a variety of abilities that can be used to impress or distract your opponent. Consider: "Acrobatic," "Alertness," "Animal Affinity," "Armor Proficiency (Medium)," and "Athletic." (And that’s just from the As!)

See also: "Blind-Fight," "Cleave," "Craft Rod," "Deflect Arrows," "Enlarge Spell," "Extend Spell," "Greater Two-Weapon Fighting," "Iron Will," "Mounted Combat," "Rapid Reload," or "Shot on the Run." (Actually, pretty much all the Feats are gold.)

Careful how hard you laugh at this one. Laugh too hard and it's obvious you once cracked up with your friends in Chess club about the "Rod of Lordly Might".